Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Revelations & Regrets



"You learn to take life as it comes at you... To make each day count"

It's been two months this week since I left New York. I feel like I'm assimilating; I feel like I've settled in. I'd like to get this visa thing sorted out so that I can get working & we can finally get into our own place, but I'm taking a deep breath and (impatiently) giving it time.

Deciding to leave my life behind in America has taught me several really important lessons along the way. First, I don't need stuff. No one needs "stuff". You need to clothe yourself, and maybe you need a few nostalgic momentos. You need a bed to sleep in and a roof over your head (most of the time). I've been a bit of a pack rat, to be honest. I always felt that I needed every little gadget and thing - and a back stock of it - to have a functioning home. But it's ok. I don't have a stash of 8000 types of tea, every tool or gadget imaginable, and piles of clothes that I never wear, and I'm happier this way. Removing the weight of stuff from my life removed a lot of the stress from my life. Waste not, worry not. Or something.


Also, I can adapt. I can be flexible. When we made "the big decision", I was kicking and screaming and reluctantly agreeing. I didn't want to have to change my whole life. I didn't want to have to learn the ins and outs of a whole new place - that would be way too hard, right? Oh wait.
I went from living in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania, to Philadelphia, to NYC (and lived alone in both places, I might add)... and I can't even use the "I'm too old for this" excuse, because I mean, I'm 25. Shut up, me.


That being said, the homesickness (if you want to call it that) is starting to sink in. I'm not sure it's homesickness, though, because I never really called NYC home - at least, that's what I thought.
I miss my family, of course, but I am used to being away from them for extended periods of time, because I've lived hours away in a different city for years.
I do miss knowing  where things are. I miss knowing my way around. Knowing the subway weekend schedule like the back of my hand, and where to get the best bowl of hangover cure noodles in Chinatown.I miss knowing what was coming, what was down the street, how to get where I needed to go.  I miss all the places where I was a regular. I miss those magical powers that could navigate me home from my bar like a big drunk homing pigeon. I MISS REAL COFFEE. 

And I miss my weird ass friends. A lot.


But to lighten the mood, here's a list of things that I don't miss at all:
Crappy processed food (the chicken at McDonalds here isn't square OR grey. Gasp!)
Angry humans dressed in black (everyone seems to be so much more colorful outside of New York)
The noise. Enough said.
Fear of being shot anytime I walk outside at night
Laundromats
Overpriced organic foods
Overpriced everything (screw you, New York, and your $8 beers)





Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Fences


An odd topic, am I right? But I've been so drawn to them lately, so mystified by their varied appearances and purposes... and it seems to fit the bill at the moment. Vine-covered brick, wooden boards, Chain link... from brand new to derelict, they are a constant reminder of one thing: divide.

My family has experienced a tragic loss, and I'm thousands of miles away. I'm no help to anyone, here. I feel as if I'm standing on the opposite side of a fence that is far too high to climb, and has no gate to enter. I want to be home, even if I'm still of no use when I'm there; I want to be with my family right now. But I can't. So I'm fenced out  by forces I cannot control, and there's a feeling of helplessness that I'm struggling with today. I apologise for the depressing nature of this post.

I've been fenced in, though, too - those emotionally overprotective times when I put my own sort of wall up. When I have turned down plans, second guessed myself, avoided social occasions... I'm my own sort of walking fence sometimes. We all just have to remember that every lock has a key, and every house has a door, and that we are the key to unlocking the fences we put up.